1. |
Metric System
04:13
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Drivin’ around my American town
Down the road from Abilene.
Pull into Texaco cause my truck’s runnin’ low,
It needs some 87 gasoline.
Well the next guy over has plates from Manitober,
Says my truck couldn’t look any sweeter.
He says, “Buddy can I ask how much you spend on gas,
And how many k’s per litre?”
Oh no.
My truck don’t truck with the metric system,
It takes gallons and I drive it miles.
I don’t truck with the metric system,
It sounds funny and it ain’t my style.
I don’t care what you say up in Canada way
With your silly red Mountie hat
Cause we beat your limey ass in 1812...
(Limey, 1812, limey, 1812)
...It’s 10 miles to the gallon, that’s that.
I finish at the pump and I’m feelin’ a slump,
My second tank’s telling me I need to eat, oh,
So I head inside the store with my stomach in a roar
To buy an ultra-mega-supersize burrito.
It’s got cheese and guacamole, it’s got everything that’s holy
Such as chicken, beef, and three different hams.
But my hunger pangs vanish when I see they wrote in Spanish
That it weighs four hundred grams.
Oh no.
My gut don’t truck with the metric system,
I drink ounces and I put on pounds.
I don’t truck with the metric system,
You tell me grams and I’ll shut you down.
I don’t care what you say down in México way
Even though your food’s tasty.
Cause we beat your culos at the Alamo...
(Culos, Alamo, culos, Alamo)
...It’s .88 pounds for me.
Back at my truck there ain’t no more Canuck.
I see a tall thin bearded man.
He’s with a pretty blonde woman and their children speaking German
In a tourist campervan.
In a voice real funny he says, “I like it sunny.
Zis humidity zough, it’s not right!”
I say, “Tomorrow’s supposed to be a high of 83.”
He says “Don’t you mean 28.33333 recurring degrees Centigrade because don’t you realise zat literally no ozer country on ze planet still uses Fahrenheit?”
Oh no.
My fist don’t truck with the metric system!
I curl my hand and I pound his face.
I don’t truck with the metric system!
Celsius is a big disgrace.
And as his wife and kids scream as he’s getting creamed,
I’m the proudest I’ve ever been,
Cause we beat your Nazi ass in ’45...
(Nazi, ’45, Nazi, ’45, Nazi, ’45)
...And I’m beatin’ your ass again.
And as I appear before a jury of my peers,
Here’s just what I’ll say:
“Please find me not guilty
For fightin’ for the U. S. of A.!”
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2. |
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By trade I am a wordy comic pianist
In cabarets and theatres and so on,
Occasionally in concert halls and dive bars,
But seldom am I booked to play a con.
Conventions, shall we say, are not my usual.
I don’t get sci-fi nor much more besides.
Like why does fantasy have all those dragons?
And why do dice require more than six sides?
Regardless, I now find myself performing
For people whom one might describe as “nerds”.
Permit me to provide you some fan service...
Did I use that term right?
With a string of confused mismatched non-sequiturs!
Remember that time that Hulk and Groot
Picked up a green lamp and wore a bat suit?
That film with both The Flash and Thor?
I know my way around a comic book store!
Pandering to a bunch of nerds,
Pandering to a bunch of nerds.
What am I doing? (Pandering!)
Who are you? (A bunch of nerds!)
Remember that time that Bulbasaur
Destroyed Tokyo with a mighty roar?
Mothra and Pikachu had a cartoon,
I’ve seen it! It’s called Sailor Moon!
Pandering to a bunch of nerds,
Pandering to a bunch of nerds.
What am I doing? (Pandering!)
Who are you? (A bunch of nerds!)
Remember that time that Harry and Ron
Travelled to Salem with Bella Swan?
Edward Cullen is a quidditch player,
I know Buffy The Vampire Slayer!
Pandering to a bunch of nerds,
Pandering to a bunch of nerds.
Quo facio? Panderare!
Quis estis? (A bunch of nerds!)
Remember that time that Chewbacca
Used Vulcan mind meld on Lady Gaga?
Star Wars, Star Trek, A Star is Born,
Kris Kristofferson sang in Klingon!
much; ’etlh bochmoHwI’ rur,
much; ’etlh bochmoHwI’ rur.
qaStaH nuQ? (’etlh bochtaH!)
soH ’Iv? (’etlhmaj yIboch!)
Pandering to...
People who are into things I know all about!
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3. |
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Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
And the greatest in the universe.
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
And also the best in Nebra-ska.
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
But what about prog rock?
You really should choose prog rock.
Some Radiohead and Muse.
It makes me disappointed and it makes me so sad
That you’re still obsessed with such an immature teenage fad.
Prog rock has...
Musical complexity, musical complexity,
Musical complexity, lots of things in 7/8.
Musical complexity, musical complexity,
Musical complexity, I can play my instrument!
Musical complexity, musical complexity, musical complexity!
You gotta put some musical change in your life
And put some emotional range in your life.
Prog rock has a wide spectrum of emotions,
But among them isn’t happiness.
Which means that...
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Everybody sing it!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
Ska is the greatest genre in the world!
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4. |
Michigan
02:37
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We’re going to Michigan.
We’re getting out of the city and driving on the road to Michigan.
We’re setting out from Logan Square,
A little way down 94 we’ll be there
In Michigan.
(Michigan!)
We’ll go mushroom hunting and find morels in Michigan.
We’re driving past Sox Park escaping city smells in Michigan.
(Michigan!)
We’re gonna put away our phones
And look out for Petoskey stones
In Michigan.
Hike to see a waterfall!
We’re looking for a quiet highway
Out beyond the Chicago Skyway...
Oh my god it’s Indiana!
Jesus, gambling, fireworks!
Guns and guns and nuclear power,
Jesus, Trump, abortion bad!
Strip malls, strip bars, strip paint, Mike Pence.
Need a lawyer? Need a Jesus?
Jesus Christ is my attorney.
Fireworks and cheaper gas,
Secretary Mayor Pete.
You are leaving Indiana!
Welcome to Michigan.
You are now in Michigan.
So very glad to be in Michigan.
Guns and kidnapping the Governor!
(Michigan!)
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5. |
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Brazil’s descending into fascism but I’m relaxed.
They elected a fascist president but I’m relaxed.
His name is Jair Bolsonaro and he wants to bring back torture
But this bossa nova music is relaxing.
Here’s a Brazilian percussion solo.
[percussion solo]
Brazil now has a fascist head of state, but I’m relaxed.
It’s the fifth-largest country in the world
(by both area and population)
but I’m relaxed
Even though he’s burning the Amazon and the planet’s going to die.
But this music is relaxing.
Here’s a Brazilian Portuguese gibberish solo.
[Brazilian Portuguese gibberish solo]
It’s a jazz, it’s a jazz, it’s a jazz, it’s a jazz chord!
When you play all open strings on the guitar it’s a jazz chord!
A11 with E in the bass
Plus B in the bass of the six-string bass
I know jazz harmony!
Anyway.
Brazil now has a strongman head of state but I’m relaxed.
Just like Hungary and Russia and the Philippines and Turkey,
Nicaragua, Venezuela, Thailand, Saudi Arabia
And maybe the U.S. again
But I’m relaxed.
Yes, I’m relaxed.
This bossa nova music is so relaxing it makes me relaxed.
[unintelligible]
Jazz chords!
[unintelligible]
Playing a brazillion different jazz chords.
Actually only playing two different jazz chords:
D-flat major 7 followed by D major 7,
D-flat major 7, D major 7,
D-flat major 7, D major 7, [unintelligible]
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6. |
OMG West Loop!
03:05
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Here’s your matcha flat white, and here’s your poppy seed and desiccated coconut donut.
Thanks, have a good one! … Aw, damn this is good! You wanna try?
Sure, you try some of mine.
Oh my god, this coffee.
Oh my god, this donut.
Oh my god, West Loop!
The greatest neighborhood on earth.
West Loop!
Located west of the Loop.
You can find Chicago’s most superb cuisine right here.
Seven dollars for a coffee. Thirteen dollars for a beer.
Randolph, Green and Halsted is a gastronomic sphere.
26 for bagels, lox, and capers and schmear!
Girl and the Goat, Little Goat, Duck Duck Goat, Sugar Goat,
To get these dining spots we sacrificed a baby goat.
West Loop!
We lived in Lake View in our twenties.
West Loop!
And in our thirties we live here.
I bought my condo in ’09, it’s now worth three times more.
And I bought mine in 2012, I’m richer than before.
I bought one on Friday at the local condo store.
There will never be another housing bubble.
Oh my god, West Loop!
It’s just a stroll across the river.
West Loop!
Where there are no cheap gyms.
What do you do? I work in social media.
I work at Google doing social media.
I work at McDonald’s.
Wow really?
At their new corporate headquarters.
Ohh!
Doing social media.
Oh my god, West Loop!
Oh my god your dog!
It’s a Labradoodle-dachshund cross.
Oh my god your dog!
It’s a Shih Tzu-Yorkshire terrier cross.
Oh my god your dog!
It’s a corgi-Shiba Inu cross.
Everybody has a dog. Everybody has a dog.
When we tell you everybody, what we mean is literally
Everybody gets a dog! Everybody gets a dog!
You get a dog! You get a dog! You get a dog!
We reference Oprah Winfrey cause she used to tape her show in
West Loop!
My name’s Eddie Radich, I got a meat-curing business in Fulton Market. Family’s been in the West Loop meat trade since 1922, fourth generation. The neighborhood’s not what it used to be. We got hipsters on their scooters wearing headphones with their podcasts...
(Hey, eyes up buddy!)
And here’s some now.
Okay, this location is fire!
It’s gonna be perfect for your small-batch doggie daycare startup.
Here’s an enormous venture capital check made out to “Man With An Accent”.
Well, guess I’m cashing out. Bye bye Chicago, hello Arizona!
Take over all of West Loop!
We’ve made it our part of Chicago.
West Loop!
Until we move to Humboldt Park.
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7. |
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I’m tired of hipster cities, though Edison bulbs are pretty.
The latest restaurant fads cause me disquiet.
This place does only keto? I say, nuh-uh, I veto
That fashionably paleo stone-age diet.
I do not see a future in oat milk and kombucher,
And snarfing tasteless kale can’t be the best way.
If you’re sick of West Loop trends, I encourage you, my friends,
To grab your keys and drive out the expressway.
There’s a place that’s boomer chic,
Free parking seven days a week,
And a white-shirt high school senior’s the maître d’.
Your server may bring on
An eggplant parmigian’
With non-ironic hospitality.
You’ll be offered mighty fine
Montepulciano wine,
Though they’ll serve domestic light beer if you want.
Cheap stucco on the wall
At a typical strip mall:
It’s a surburban chain Italian restaurant!
They will sit you in your seat,
Oh, are you in for a treat
When they bring you out that basket of bread sticks.
This restaurant has the knack
Of salty glutenous crack,
But they haven’t used up all their bag of tricks.
You have filled all up on bread
And your stomach starts to spread.
They serve more lasagne than your loudest aunt.
You are putty in their hands
As the shape of you expands
Across the suburban chain Italian restaurant!
Go!
Just say no to the salad.
You’ve cleaned your plate and drained your cup;
Your whole body’s swollen up
Like that girl in Willy Wonka’s factory.
Your meat sweats ache and hurt,
But they grin and ask “Dessert?”
You decide your stomach has a small space free.
Oh your eyes grow wide, you grin,
As you read their menu in
The planet’s most untrendy ugly font.
(That font is Papyrus!)
They will roll you out of there,
Literally roll because you turned into a perfect sphere
At a suburban chain, Amalfi Coast painting,
Sinatra on the speakers, moderate Republican,
Suburban chain Italian restaurant!
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8. |
Forty-Five Seconds
00:45
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45 seconds,
This song is 45 seconds.
When you’re a radio DJ,
You come to the end of an hour
And your timing’s askew.
You need a song a lot shorter than usual
And Robbie Ellis is here for you
With these 45 seconds.
This song’s called Forty-Five Seconds.
Dudu doo doo dudu
Doo doo, wah dudududu
Hah hah...
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9. |
Millennial Pop
02:25
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Live your life.
Be your best.
Find your squad.
Hashtag blessed.
Love yourself.
Never stop.
(All of these words are inane to the point of meaningless. What is the point... it’s stupid!)
I think they’re good!
Oh-oh oh-oh, oh-oh oh-oh,
Oh-oh oh-oh, millennial pop!
Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh millennial pop!
Here’s some notes:
(Here are some notes, plural, come on.)
One two three four five!
(Ugh.)
Five more notes:
Five four three two one!
(They’re the same five notes, come on.)
Go between
Five and three!
(Oh I see, it goes between the fifth and the third to imitate baby talk because you like your music to infantilise you.)
It’s fun!
Oh-oh oh-oh, oh-oh oh-oh,
Oh-oh oh-oh, millennial pop!
Five three five three...
(Really?)
...Five three five three,
Five three five three, one two three two one!
(Ugh, why are we listening to this crap?!)
It’s great! (Whoo!)
(Oh, so you have like a chorus of partygoers now? It’s like, cool yeah.)
Yeah, they’re all having fun too! Come on!
(No! I’m not gonna...)
Sing something!
(Look, if I sing four bars, will you shut up?)
Yes! Just sing, you’ll have fun, you’ll enjoy yourself!
(Oh-oh oh-oh, oh-oh oh-oh,
Octave below, then pause for one bar.)
Yeah you know how it goes!
(Okay I’m done. Bye!)
Everybody!
Oh-oh oh-oh, oh-oh oh-oh,
Oh-oh oh-oh, millennial pop!
Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh millennial pop!
Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh oh-oh, millennial pop!
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10. |
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I’m gonna punch you in the face!
I’m gonna punch you in the face!
I’m gonna punch you in the fay-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yace
Cause I’m an IPA beer.
I’m gonna pound you with my hops.
I’m gonna smash you with my malt.
I’ve got so many IBUs
It’s grievous brewery assault!
I’m gonna punch you in the face!
I’m gonna punch you in the – face!
I’m gonna punch you in the fay-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yace
IPA beer.
Uh!
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11. |
Philip Glass
01:22
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Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Glass, Philip Glass,
Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Glass, Philip Glass, Philip Glass
(PHILIP PHILIP PHILIP!)
Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Glass, Philip Glass,
Philip Philip Philip
(PHILIP PHILIP PHILIP!)
Philip Glass, Philip Glass,
Philip Glass, Philip Glass,
Glass Philip!
Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Glass, Philip Glass,
Philip Philip Philip
(PHILIP!)
Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Glass, Philip Glass
Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Glass, Philip Glass,
Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Glass, Philip Glass,
Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip Philip
Philip Glass, Philip Glass,
Philip
(GLASS PHILIP!)
(PHIL!)
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12. |
Midlife Crisis Blues
01:41
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Well I’ve reached the age of 50, my looks have fallen from grace.
So I head to the doctor to get a needle in my face.
Botulinum toxin is its scientific name,
But it’s better known as botox, yeah the two are the same.
I’ve got the upper middle-class midlife crisis blues.
Well a couple of shots in my chin. I welcome the holy syringe!
Put two shots in my forehead so I get a line-free fringe.
Put two shots in my cheekbones and also in my neck,
Yeah all it takes is a single 20,000-dollar cheque.
I’ve got the too-much-disposable income midlife crisis blues.
Yeah I really love the needle! Please stick it everywhere.
Please stick some my big toe and in my armpit hair.
Put two shots in my left hand and also in my right,
Then put some in my vocal cords [unintelligible]
[unintelligible]
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13. |
Sad Song
03:32
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When your favourite TV drama doesn’t get renewed for next year
Cause the network didn’t get it, you sing a sad song.
And when your favourite NHL team doesn’t do so good at hockey
Even though you bought their jersey, you sing a sad song.
Because you’re sad so sad,
Sad so sad,
Sad sad sad sad sad,
Then you bring in the cello.
Yeah you bring in the cello.
One single sad solo cello.
That was cello up one octave.
That’s a cel-low as in a low C, the very lowest note on the cello.
Anyway!
When you read on Facebook that your old work colleague’s pet died
Even though you barely knew her, you sing a sad song.
And when our politics and our media have decided facts don’t matter
And that ignorance is a virtue,
You go and register to vote even if you need six forms of ID.
It’s sad so sad,
Sad so sad,
Sad sad sad sad sad,
That’s why you bring in the cello!
Then the cello goes mellow.
Staccato fortissimo pizzicato.
Give it up for the cello fellow!
From forte to piano, from bass to soprano,
From mega to nano, you gotta have a cello.
For wide and for narrow, for slings and for arrows
That pierce to the marrow, you gotta get a cello.
For a sadder tomorrow overloaded with sorrow
You must beg steal or borrow a motherflippin’ cello!
A motherflippin’ cello!
Even Metallica used a cello!
They used multiple cellos on the album S&M.
Cello cello cello!
You gotta get a cello.
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14. |
The Mall Song
01:41
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Clothes clothes clothes and clothes
Clothes and shoes and clothes and clothes
Shoes and clothes and clothes and clothes
Homeware, knives and clothes and clothes
Cellphone covers, clothes and clothes
Formal suits and casual clothes
Random gifts and clothes and clothes
Sporting goods including clothes
I’m lost.
Wait, the... that store was...
I thought that was down that... no but...
Wait hold on, this one’s down that end...
Wait I was here bef...
Was I here before? I...
Wait hold on... down the... okay.
Clothes, clothes, candy, clothes
Electronics, clothes and clothes
Teenage clothes, old lady clothes
The one bookstore is next to clothes
Vaping, vaping, vaping, clothes
Chair massages, pretzels, clothes
Charger cables, clothes and clothes
Clothes and clothes and once again
I’m lost.
Wait no, I... wait...
There was the...
And I was there before and there’s like the other...
No wait, was I down here?
This all looks the same.
And there... oh no wa... wait, here is the
FOOD COURT!
Pizza and sushi and Mexican!
Pizza and sushi and Mexican! Everybody
Pizza and sushi and Mexican!
Pizza and sushi and Mexican! I’m eating
Pizza and sushi and Mexican! I’m eating
Pizza and sushi and Mexic...
Oh for heav... oh no!
Oh.
I just spilled food all over my brand new
Clothes clothes clothes and clothes
Accessories and clothes and clothes
Clothes and clothes and shoes and clothes
Now where did I park my car.
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15. |
Trashflake
03:20
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When you’re selling your possessions on the internet,
And you’re pretty positive you have a buyer set.
They seem like they’re reliable and yet, and yet
My mistake! They’re a trashflake.
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
“Oh sorry I didn’t look at my work schedule and forgot I had to work and can’t pick up your lawn chairs.”
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
A trashflake is someone who says they’ll do a thing,
Oh but then they'll flake on everything they’re offering.
They’re trash and they’re a flake, they’ll never text or ring,
They’re all fake! And a trashflake.
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
“So I know it’s 11:30 at night, five hours after the time we set for me to pick up your wine cabinet but I’ll be pounding on your door in eight minutes.”
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
So Dante Alighieri’s seventh ring of hell
Is for those who try to fix their price like some cartel.
Just as they come collect your stuff, they text you
“I just found a sofa which is totally different and inferior to yours, but it’s listed as 80 dollars less. So that means you have to lower your price for me otherwise no one will ever remove this large bulky item of furniture from your apartment,
Yes you will never sell.”
Ooh what a headache!
A clever trashflake!
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
“Oh sorry bro I live in Fort Wayne, Indiana and didn’t realize I’d have to drive to Chicago even though your Facebook Marketplace profile says ‘Chicago’ and the description you wrote very clearly said ‘MUST PICK UP FROM CHICAGO’ in all caps.”
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
“I thought my uncle could help me cause he owns a pickup truck but I forgot he retired to Arizona and took the truck with him. Also he died three years ago.”
Bup-badup-badup!
“Oops! Forgot I had Ultimate Frisbee practice.”
Bup-badup-badup!
“I can’t come now! Candy Crush just gave me two hours of free lives!”
Bup-badup-badup!
“Hey, really sorry, can we reschedule? Gotta go to the emergency room, my seven-year-old might have pneumonia.”
Okay, yes, that’s genuine
But the other excuses can get in the bin!
Bup-badup-badup – (Trashflake!)
By the way her daughter had a fever for a day
Then she made a full recovery so everything’s okay,
But as for everybody else,
Bup-badup-badup!
(Trash! Flake!)
Uggh!
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16. |
Testaments
02:18
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Welcome everyone, you’re at the New Faith Community Fellowship Assembly. I’m Pastor Chad, but you can call me Pastor C. Nice to... C... you, hehehehe. Here at the NFCFA we blend a 2,000-year-old religion with a modern friendly face, and right now, I’d like to rap about one of my friends.
Jesus is my closest friend,
There is nothing he can’t mend.
He can be your best friend too,
Always he’ll be there for you.
When you need him, he’s right there,
He can help you anywhere.
How is this a thing I know?
The New Testament says so.
(But the God of the Old Testament is vengeful.
Vengeful!)
When you are unwell and sick,
Jesus’ love is just the trick.
He can heal the lame and blind,
All because he’s good and kind.
(But God sends plagues unto the Earth
And everyone dies of lesions.
Lesions!)
Jesus wants to tell you guys
All are equal in his eyes...
(Except sodomites and unmarried women
And those who consume shellfish.
Shellfish!)
Doesn’t matter how you look...
(No!
God hates those who keep their hair unkempt
And those who wear mixed fibres.
Fibres!)
Jesus’ spirit sets you free...
(Slavery is kind of okay
In certain contexts.
Contexts!)
Faith is a complicated thing.
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17. |
Bread, Cheese, Heat
05:32
|
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I’m here to talk about the holy trinity... but not that Holy Trinity.
Bread and cheese and heat.
I’m talking ’bout bread and cheese and heat.
Well I’ve got a pan with some really fine eats, a
Delicacy, goes by the name of pizza.
Bread and cheese and heat.
And if I had one wish from a magical genie
I’d ask Robin Williams to bring me a panini.
Bread and cheese and heat.
There are so many places on the planet Earth where they gave birth to a trio of rare worth.
The finest combination for your degustation satin’ every cravin’, get it in your face and sing it with me!
Bread and cheese and heat.
Yeah everyone, pant it like you’re horny.
Bread and cheese and heat.
There’s something buttery and flat that I want in my hand, which
Tastes damn fine, it’s a grilled cheese sandwich.
Bread and cheese and heat.
And in the ’70s, it was hip and new
To dip your bread into scalding hot fondue.
Bread and cheese and heat.
Oh yeah.
Go find a wheat field, then harvest that golden golden wheat.
Mill it into flour, take that flour, mix it with water,
And add in a microscopic self-reproducing fungus
That goes by the sexy sexy name of yeast.
That’s how you make bread.
Then go find a cow.
A full-grown adult female cow.
Then you wanna get low, crouch down,
Reach your hands in, and milk those udders!
Uh!
Collect the milk in a bucket or other suitable receptacle.
Add some bacteria.
That’s gonna make your milk go mouldy,
But the right kind of mouldy,
The sexy smooth creamy cheesy kind of mouldy.
That’s how you get cheese.
Then, to derive heat, find an undeveloped rural area.
Stand next to a reasonably tall tree.
Then wait for a lightning storm.
Depending on the time of year and the geography,
You may have to wait several months.
Lightning will strike the tree
Then it’ll be on fire!
And you’ll have all three of
Bread and cheese and heat.
Listen up cause I have to share a New Zealand treat that’s close to my soul.
Have you ever tried a cheese roll?
Bread and cheese and heat
And a packet of onion dip!
Meat plus beans plus cheese in a tortilla.
Stick it in my face! It’s a quesadilla!
(Bread and cheese and heat.)
Or en español:
Pan y queso y calor.
Everyone repeat after me:
Pan y queso y calor.
Now try it in German:
Brot und Käse und Hitze.
Yeah slightly more aggressively:
Brot und Käse und Hitze!
Now Mandarin Chinese:
面包、和奶酪、和热量。
Although cheese isn’t really a huge part of Chinese cuisine,
So let’s try Hindi.
Naan, paneer, garmee.
You probably know two of these three words.
Naan, paneer, garmee.
Thank you, Google Translate.
(Naan, paneer, garmee.)
Man I wish I had some paneer naan with me right now.
(Naan, paneer, garmee.)
Oh wait, oh wait. What’s wrapped up in this tinfoil?
It’s nice and warm paneer naan and also a bassoon solo!
我好喜欢那个低音管独奏！
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18. |
Boston Sports
02:43
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|
Oi!
I’ll watch it on a field, I’ll watch it on a court,
I love watching Boston sports.
Boston sports, Boston sports, Boston sports, Boston sports,
I freakin’ love Boston sports.
Hey!
Drink!
Fight!
Drink!
The Patriots are awesome and Brady is the bomb.
I’m proud I named my first-born Tom.
Brady’s wicked innocent, the greatest of all time!
I love him more than rhyming with words.
It’s freezing in December but I’ll be wearing shorts.
I’ll be out at Foxboro for Boston sports.
Boston sports, Boston sports, Boston sports, Boston sports,
The Pats are wicked pissa! Boston sports.
Hey!
Drink!
Cheat!
Deflate!
I love to watch the Red Sox; I’ll see them rain or shine.
Bup bup bah! Sweet Caroline.
I took my son to Fenway, he drank seven beers,
He’s six years old. Three friggin’ cheers!
My son got taken off me, I now pay child support,
But I don’t care because I still have Boston sports.
Boston sports, Boston sports, Boston sports, Boston sports,
My ex-wife hates me! Boston sports.
Hey!
Drink!
Dunkin’!
Donuts!
I go to Boston Garden to watch the basketball.
All those Celtics are so wicked tall!
Got wasted on Sam Adams, I pissed in my seat,
It hit the fans in front of me, they called Security.
Security surrounded me, I punched them in the nose,
They put the handcuffs on me, I kicked them in the shins.
Then the cops arrested me and carted me to jail.
I’m sitting on the concrete in my piss-soaked jeans
Wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.
The custody arrangement means I’ll never see my son.
I’ll never see my son! I’ll never see my son!
I’ll never see my beautiful baby boy, Thomas Brady Matthew Damon Benjamin Affleck O’Sullivan. He’s just six years old, bro! Six years old and he’ll never know his father. And his father will never get to introduce him to
Boston sports, Boston sports, Boston sports, Boston...
My life’s a friggin’ mess but Boston Sports.
Hey!
Drink!
Fight!
Ahhhh!!!
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Robbie Ellis Chicago, Illinois
Chicago-based New Zealander Robbie Ellis makes comedy songs. He also composes concert music; is a music director for improv and sketch; and presents classical music radio.
Robbie Ellis recommends:
We All Miss Hugs
by Good Ass Group
Check out my tracks Zoom Singalong, HBO, Lactose Intolerance, and contributions to more.
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