Drivin’ around my American town
Down the road from Abilene.
Pull into Texaco cause my truck’s runnin’ low,
It needs some 87 gasoline.
Well the next guy over has plates from Manitober,
Says my truck couldn’t look any sweeter.
He says, “Buddy can I ask how much you spend on gas,
And how many k’s per litre?”
Oh no.
My truck don’t truck with the metric system,
It takes gallons and I drive it miles.
I don’t truck with the metric system,
It sounds funny and it ain’t my style.
I don’t care what you say up in Canada way
With your silly red Mountie hat
Cause we beat your limey ass in 1812...
(Limey, 1812, limey, 1812)
...It’s 10 miles to the gallon, that’s that.
I finish at the pump and I’m feelin’ a slump,
My second tank’s telling me I need to eat, oh,
So I head inside the store with my stomach in a roar
To buy an ultra-mega-supersize burrito.
It’s got cheese and guacamole, it’s got everything that’s holy
Such as chicken, beef, and three different hams.
But my hunger pangs vanish when I see they wrote in Spanish
That it weighs four hundred grams.
Oh no.
My gut don’t truck with the metric system,
I drink ounces and I put on pounds.
I don’t truck with the metric system,
You tell me grams and I’ll shut you down.
I don’t care what you say down in México way
Even though your food’s tasty.
Cause we beat your culos at the Alamo...
(Culos, Alamo, culos, Alamo)
...It’s .88 pounds for me.
Back at my truck there ain’t no more Canuck.
I see a tall thin bearded man.
He’s with a pretty blonde woman and their children speaking German
In a tourist campervan.
In a voice real funny he says, “I like it sunny.
Zis humidity zough, it’s not right!”
I say, “Tomorrow’s supposed to be a high of 83.”
He says “Don’t you mean 28.33333 recurring degrees Centigrade because don’t you realise zat literally no ozer country on ze planet still uses Fahrenheit?”
Oh no.
My fist don’t truck with the metric system!
I curl my hand and I pound his face.
I don’t truck with the metric system!
Celsius is a big disgrace.
And as his wife and kids scream as he’s getting creamed,
I’m the proudest I’ve ever been,
Cause we beat your Nazi ass in ’45...
(Nazi, ’45, Nazi, ’45, Nazi, ’45)
...And I’m beatin’ your ass again.
And as I appear before a jury of my peers,
Here’s just what I’ll say:
“Please find me not guilty
For fightin’ for the U. S. of A.!”
credits
from Metric System,
released November 4, 2022
Robbie Ellis · vocals, bass guitar
Matt Griffo · additional keyboard
Jake Dewar · electric guitars
Jono Sawyer · drum kit
Vocals recorded by Matt Griffo at Chicago Recording Boutique.
Drums recorded by Louis Bernstone at Ellamy Studios, Auckland.
Edited by Robbie Ellis.
Mixed by Matt Griffo at Chicago Recording Boutique.
Chicago-based New Zealander Robbie Ellis makes comedy songs. He also composes concert music; is a music director for improv and sketch; and presents classical music radio.
Robins decided to release the recording of his 2016 comedy tour during the Covid-19 shutdown at the behest of fans. Bandcamp New & Notable May 29, 2020
Comedian Chris Gethard’s hilarious new surprise album is devoted to the great state of New Jersey, and the great state of New Jersey alone. Bandcamp New & Notable Dec 18, 2019
